Structured to believe

The past few years have been a profound spiritual struggle for me. I used to be a passionate, outgoing Christian who sought to evangelize everyone I met. Now, I sometimes find myself on the brink of agnosticism.

However, I also find that I very much want to believe in God; I want to be a generous, peaceful, joyous, and spiritual human being. Granted, believing in God isn't a prerequisite for being a good person (often the two are antonymous), but there's something rather enlightening, serene, and beautiful about faith. I like the idea that we’re not alone in this universe, that something -- or Someone -- is out there: looking after us, caring for us, loving us.

I was recently struck by something in this blog post:

An interesting angle you haven't mentioned concerns how belief systems concretely affect the development of the brain. People raised in cultures with distinct words for certain color tones see them more clearly than those in which just one word suffices (the most well-known example is Russian, which has one word for marine blue and another for sky blue -- but there are many others). So believers, having been raised in a cognitive environment in which this mystical experience was ritualistically repeated presumably have brain architecture that differs in significant ways from those raised outside the Church. This could explain the special pain of being a lapsed-believer. Your brain is structured to believe, but your intellect won't let you.

What a remarkable insight. Having been raised in the church and having been a 'minister of the Gospel' for many years, I'm hardwired to believe in God. But logic, reason, and intellectualism are suddenly standing in my way.

Thus, the battle rages within my soul.